Rock
Scissors
Fuck
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
