I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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