the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
