Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
