Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
