How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Everyone says I win the strip club
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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