did you get engaged???
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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