i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Randomize
