i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
smell my finger.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
