I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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