Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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