Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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