Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
