just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
