Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
