Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
