Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
