I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
