At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
