Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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