So drunk its hurt
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
