I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
