OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
