My underwear smells like fireworks.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
