I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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