So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
