You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
