BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
