Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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