I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
