I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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