On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
