Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
