just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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