Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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