saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
