My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
