she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
