I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
