How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
