found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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