Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
