Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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