for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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