I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
