She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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