Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
