Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
