I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
