i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
