I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
